What are your secret rules?

Don't let an invisible script tell you who you should be

Have you ever told yourself some version of the following:

I have it so good! I feel guilty for wanting more. I should be grateful for what I already have. Who am I to dream of something better when so many people have it way, way worse?

If you’re anything like me, these thoughts are usually accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness for daring to want more than whatever late-stage capitalism deems fit to offer us.

Sound familiar? 😬 Secret rules might be the culprit.

The invisible scripts that tell us who we should be

I don’t remember where I first learned about secret rules, but it was probably from one of those Very Serious Business Publications that I used to read all the time. I know that Jon Acuff writes about them at length in Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done, and I find his definition helpful.

Basically, secret rules are invisible scripts that dictate how we should live and what kind of person we should be.

Some example secret rules I’ve encountered in my client work:

• If I need a day job to pay my bills, I’m a creative failure.

• I don’t have any original ideas, so it’s pointless to talk about my work.

• If a client wants to work with me, I should work with them even if I don’t want to.

• If someone asks for my help, it is my duty to help them.

• If I don’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing.

• If I work hard and keep my head down, others will give me the recognition I deserve.

Left unexamined, these rules can wreak havoc on our self-esteem and make us pretty darn miserable.

Unexamined secret rules lead to guilt and confusion

A few years ago, I had a profitable consulting practice, awesome clients, and plenty of free time. I had money. I got to travel. I enjoyed the work, even if it was starting to feel a little stale.

But I wanted more and felt bad — really bad, like “I’m a horrible, no-good, ungrateful person” level of bad — about that. I already had it so good. How dare I?

My business coach at that time offered an insight I will never forget.

She said what I had with my business was a 7.5 out of 10. That’s pretty good, right? Something to be proud of! BUT. But, but, but… all the energy I spent maintaining my 7.5 out of 10 was energy that I wasn’t able to devote to building my 10 out of 10.

Mind. blown.

Ambition is part of who I am. I wanted more because I knew I was capable of more. And not just in the monetary sense. I had things I needed to say, a platform I needed to build for myself, goals that were bigger than building a profitable marketing consultancy. Half of me was screaming, “It’s time to go big! Share your voice with world!” The other half was chiding, “You have all this success, and now you want MORE? You’re such an asshole!”

Turns out, that internal friction was my truth butting up against a secret rule: I have already achieved a certain level of financial stability; therefore, it is ungrateful — not to mention unrealistic, irresponsible, and entitled as hell — to want joy and fulfillment from my work, too.

Self-advocacy is self-love

I started really moving beyond my pesky rule after connecting it to my fear of marketing myself as the person I really wanted to be (yes, yes, the irony is thick). Believing I was ungrateful for wanting more made it almost impossible for me to actually pursue more. Putting myself out there when I already had so much? Who does that?

Hard truth: the only person who can truly advocate for you, is you. Not showing up for myself in that way did more than keep me from growing my business—it kept me from taking care of myself, my needs, and well-being.

Advocating for yourself doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful, demanding, sleazy, pushy, or any of the other lies you’ve been led to believe. Quite the contrary. Self-advocacy is self-love.

Got that?

Self-advocacy is self-love.

When you love yourself enough to advocate for your own needs, when you truly believe you’re worthy of your dearest aspirations, something amazing happens. Your secret rules — the ones that keep you small, invisible, and closed off — begin to lose their power.

What are your secret rules?

To start letting go of your secret rules, first you have to know what they are. Start listening for them as you go about your day. What stories pop up when you face a challenging situation? How about an enjoyable one? When you succeed, what does your inner voice tell you about why that is? How about when you fail?

Once you’ve identified a rule, write it down. Then ask yourself: 1) Who says this? 2) Is it true? 3) Where does it come from?

Unpacking your rules will take away their power. Ultimately that is what we are after: getting our power back and making conscious, intentional choices for ourselves. Here’s to reclaiming agency over who we are, what we want, and where we’re going!

Teeny tiny homework

Get out a piece of paper. Make a line down the middle. In the left column, write your rules. In the right column, write the truth. Create a new rule to replace the old rule! Boom. And if you're brave enough (you are!), share it with a friend. Ask them to hold you accountable to your new rule. You got this.

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